Joey
Wanxin, 20. Twitter Facebook Tumblr
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Insecurities
Friday, January 3, 2014 @ 12:29 AM
PI'm going to pour everything out for once, I've never done this before and I don't think I'll ever rant it to anyone except only this place. What's insecurity? 4. a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties So according to the dictionary, there are a few meaning to this word and 4b actually speaks my mind now. There are many many different type of insecurities in this world, a person being way too tall/short, your appearance, maybe the way you speak, or even skin color. In this world, there are too many people who does stereotype and what does it do to people? It ends up hurting someone you barely even know. What's my insecurity? My acne problem since primary 5, me being a hairy girl,I'm a highly pigmented girl, my lower jaw is extended out if you look close enough. I know many people will start to counter back, what about people who lost their limb/arm during some accident? What about those unfortunate people out there who suffered way worse than you. Think about it, since when there is someone who is truly grateful for something and has actually stopped wishing for more than that. Honestly, I've never seen anyone like this before. "Oh, look at those kids in Africa and here I am splurging on clothes. I should probably spend lesser". Within next few days, you find yourself splurging on things again. I've started getting pimples in p5, the oiliness on my skin is literally shiny. I'm not kidding. People with almost flawless skin will never understand this, you may want to apply a tiny weeny bit of cooking oil all over your face. That's how greasy you'll feel if you were me. Things weren't that bad, but upon seeing all my other classmates I know I get a little upset deep down and hoping to recover from it once I step into Secondary school life. First year was fine for me, not much of a problem. But things were getting a little uncontrolled in year two. I'm starting to have tiny zits around my forehead and chin. I have visited many doctors, trust me I've atleast visited 6 doctors/hospitals YET none works on me. Whenever I talk to people about my acne problems, they'll try to educate me like they're professionals, "oh don't squeeze them, you'll get scars! Oh wash your face more often... yada yada yada" I can confidently tell you, I have way more experience and heard MORE stuff than you. It just pisses me off, I know you're being nice and trying to help me. But I'm sorry, those comments actually make me even more angry. Back to year 2, I tried a home facial introduced by my aunty. It thought it would be good to pick out all the white heads and cleanse my face. Little did I know, this was actually my worse decision ever. I remembered her name was Susan. My skin is extremely sensitive and is extremely easy to leave scars, yet after all the extracting of white heads.. and clearing all my zits, it actually cost me almost all the scars I have now. Going on year 3, I visited this skin doctor near Chinatown. He prescribed me this pill named teracyclin (or something.. I can't really remember) The pills actually helped me so much, but there was one side effect.. I would get hungry everytime I eat the pill and start to eat even more. That explains why I was so chubby in secondary 4. After consuming the medicine for almost near a year, I've decided to stop. Considering that taking in antibiotics for so long is definitely not good for my health. But what comes after I stop my medicine? It comes back even worse this time round. I had a almost peaceful sec 4 life with just greasy face (2 blotting sheets is never enough, even my ears are oily). Moving on to poly life, year 1 was just horrible with all the zits and things. I started to grow my fringe out and it actually helped to clear my forehead alot, so since now my hair is around my cheeks, this is when things started to get nasty. Just imagine my face being greasy + double the amount of zits coming out from the past years. What's worse? the scars that stays behind after each zit pops. Everyday when I wash my face, I just get a little upset when my hands touches my face. I eventually got used to it after having acne for so long. I felt like I'm ready to give up hopes to recover. Finally this year August, I've decided to visit a dermatologist in town to get full cure for my acne. I'm on the strongest medication for acne (you can see how bad my situation already is) and I'm on medical (acidic) peel every time I do facial. You may ask me, why haven't you visited a dermatologist earlier? Why? I don't have the money, my parents don't have the money to afford such thing for me. Thinking that all the small clinics/skin centre or remedies I've tried might work miracle on me. And because it's really not cheap, 20 times facial (each time costs $286?) the entire package is 3k+. It may be a small amount for anyone else who can just fork out literally any moment you need to but I don't come from such wealthy family. What pains me is that I'm actually spending so much money and it feels like I'm splurging, but what can I do. I have been yearning for just a face without zits and is presentable to people. I can only be grateful and attend every single treatment fatefully and stick to applying my medicine everyday. I don't even know if this 20 treatment can last me until my condition gets controlled. I don't even know if I have another 3k to continue if my skin doesn't get any better. Just like any girl I want flawless skin. It's no longer going to be flawless, all I can hope for is no zits pops out underneath the skin. I even get dreams of having new zits and I freaked out in my dream. Another thing that upsets me is how people call names to any insecurity others may have. Maybe you're just a little tanner, people just likes to call you black. Or my case I often hear people stereotype "pimple face" into the ugly section. Who likes to be called ugly? Every time I hear any comment about any guy commenting about a girl's zit or what, my heart just cracks a little. It just upsets me. EVERY GIRL DONT WISH TO HAVE A PIZZA FACE LIKE ME. We were born with it, we don't have a choice. Please think twice before hurting our feelings though by now we're almost numb to it already. I'm not trying to teach a lesson here, I'm just sharing my thoughts and experience through this 7 years of my life. I'm still working to a better me, every step haven't been easy. Every time I talk about this I'll cry and I am actually tearing while typing out this entire post. To all the girls/guys out there who face similar situation like me, don't forget every step is hard but it's worth it. xoxo
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